Miscarriage

I was absolutely certain that she was a girl and I had her name all picked out.  She would have my grandmother’s coloring, my mother’s dimples and my large slanted eyes.  She would have an infectious laugh that made everyone stop and laugh right along with her.  She would be mine and I would be hers. Initially, I was scared out of my mind- crying at the thought that my plans were derailed because of a stupid mistake with an even more ridiculously stupid boy. I worried that I would be a terrible mother; that I wouldn't be able to help her with her homework; that she would be ashamed that I didn't have a husband when I became pregnant with her. And then…I heard her heartbeat. It was a rapid, light, clicking sound coming from the ultrasound machines.  At that moment, she stopped being something that I was afraid of and became someone for whom I would give my entire life. For a while, in the beginning, I called her “Amoeba” but after I heard her heart ticking away, she was upgraded to “Whipper-Snapper” although I was already pretty sure what her actual name would be.  I was so used to naming my possessions (computers, cars, sewing machines, knives, hammers) that naming my child wasn't so hard. I was excited and was positive that I would be one of those adorable pregnant women who wore huge overalls and cute pigtail braids.  Anyway…

I knew that stress made my body do weird things, but I had no idea that it would make me miscarry. I was angry that day, to the point that I wanted to scream. That day, I found out that a friend of mine was engaged to a guy that I used to like and now loathed.  I was upset that she would betray me and that he could see our relationship as so meaningless as to ask her to marry him so soon after trying to pursue me.  I was livid and refused to calm down. I thought my Whipper-Snapper couldn't possibly be affected by a few hours of frustrated crying and a few cuss words. I was wrong.

Later that night, there was blood- so much blood. As Daddy took me to the hospital, I hoped the doctor would tell me that the pressure I felt between my legs was normal and that I was overreacting.  As soon as I got into the ER, I told the woman at the triage desk that I thought I might be having a miscarriage.  She told me that I would be seen right away but I informed her that I needed to go to the restroom first.  I walked slowly across the ER waiting room towards the restroom, sure that if I went any faster, whatever was trying to push itself between my legs would surely gush onto the floor. So instead of my baby being handed to me in a mass of blankets, she was delivered into an ER toilet. When I came out of the restroom, I was immediately ushered into an examination room.  The doctor informed me that I had miscarried and that my body had already flushed most of her out already.  I cried… and cried… and cried. Then came the numbness, a complete lack of emotion.  To this day, I have no idea how I carried on- how I was able to just keep living, keep eating, keep breathing, keep…being, without her.

Now, almost 5 years later, I still think of her. Not as often now- so its no longer as painful as it used to be.  I keep my ultrasound pictures tucked into my scriptures.  Whenever I have dreams about her, I stay in bed for the rest of the day trying to remember ever aspect of the dream, every moment that I got to spend with her.  When I finally get myself out of bed with the realization that I’m not going to get to be with her in this life, the numbness returns- but I keep going because I hope that one day, I’ll get to hold her brothers and sisters- and laugh with them and play peek-a-boo with them. I've never met my wonderful baby girl who would turn 5yrs old in December.  Her name is Sophia Nicole.

Are You A Christian Or Not?

I would LOVE someone to correct me. Preferably someone with knowledge of Mormon doctrine, but ANYONE would be fine.

This morning, I read through one of the conference talks that I missed on Saturday afternoon and Elder Stanley G. Ellis (of the Seventy) commented on “the Lord’s way” of helping the poor:

“Even with the universally accepted desire to help the poor and needy, the Lord concurs in our goal but warns, ‘But it must needs be done in mine own way’ (D&C 104:16). Otherwise, in our efforts to help, we may actually hurt them. The Lord has taught us the need to promote self-reliance. Even if we are able to help, we should not give or provide what they can and should do for themselves. Everywhere it is tried, the world learns the evils of the dole. Truly God knows best.”

So, correct me if I’m wrong, but I'm pretty sure Elder Ellis is preaching false doctrine from the General Conference pulpit bc I don’t know of ANY scripture that gives conditions on giving to the poor. Conditions are PLACED UPON THE GIVER- if you have more than you need, you’re obliged to give the overabundance with which the Lord has blessed you to someone who needs it. Not once (to my knowledge) does it give conditions TO THE POOR or scrutinizes someone’s degree of capability before they’re eligible to receive help.

So basically, I was taught that you can be a Christian and give to the poor.... or not. Am I wrong?

Matthew 5:42—Give unto him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.

The scriptures say that all a person needs to do is ASK you before you’re obliged to give.  It doesn’t say “After thou hast assessed that the man who hath asked thee for thine substance is not of sound mind and body and mentally or physically incapable of helping himself, only then shalt thou give alms”

Mosiah 4:24—And again, I say unto the poor, ye who have not and yet have sufficient, that ye remain from day to day; I mean all you who deny the beggar, because ye have not; I would that ye say in your hearts that: I give not because I have not, but if I had I would give.

Meaning, if you’re also poor and don’t have enough to give away, say to yourself, “If I had it I would give”.  

Not, “If I had it and deemed you to be worthy and deserving, I would give.”

I still feel bad for not giving my food to a random dude who pulled up to me in his car and told me he hadn’t eaten in two days.  Why would a Mormon Elder, a member of the Quorum of the Seventy, say such things as though it were from the Lord? And from the pulpit of General Conference, no less?!?!

I’m so happy that I know the scriptures well enough to, at least, see the discrepancy and ask the question.

TV Addict

Sometimes I forget how much You love me.

I get caught up in weekly activities and daily stresses that all those little things You do just kind of… fade away… into the background. 

And then, suddenly, in a quiet moment, I remember. How gracious You are. How You helped me find my keys; how You made sure I didn't get sick the first time I went on a hike up in Arkansas; how You helped me to fall in love with the Sabbath; how You made sure I had enough food in the house; how You gave me another friend when the others were busy; how You taught me a valuable lesson that may have cost me $50 but it was totally worth it; how You helped me find my ultrasound pics and helped me to remember my dreams of a little baby girl.

Keeping You on my mind and a prayer in my heart seems so easy on Sabbath, probably bc I’m listening to gospel music all day and refuse to watch secular TV. Obviously, watching so much TV is what’s contributing to my forgetfulness.  The only question is: should I gradually wean myself from tv addictions or cut myself off cold-turkey?

I counted up the time I would spend watching tv this week, and it adds up to a full 24 hours.  An entire day wasted on watching other people.  I’ll do enough of that in the spirit world when I’m dead.  Hmmmmm- maybe cut out one show a month. Something that I know I can do without- like “Real Husbands of Hollywood” and “Cougar Town”

       

Know Your Scriptures

I read a quote today that refers to your relationship with God throughout any given trial, “The teacher is always quiet during the test”.

The quote sounds true and reasonable and I’m sure there have been times when many people have not felt the spirit of the Lord when they were going through tough times. But what may be true of a student/teacher relationship is not always true of a Father/child relationship.





Know your scriptures.
Isaiah 58:9
Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer; thou shalt cry and He shall say, Here I am.
James 1:5
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

I don’t know about yall, but MY God is not silent. He is especially chatty during a trial because He wants me to come through it with more faith in HIM than I had previously. When I cant hear His "still small voice", its never because He isnt speaking, its always because I am too far from Him (spiritually) to hear what he is saying and I've allowed louder, much more unrighteous things to drown Him out. Change the filthy music, turn off the raunchy movies and TV shows, get away from those disrespectful friends... and you'll be able to hear Him loud and clear.

Perils of Being a Nerd

I had an intense argument today that made me need to take a shower the second I got home to scrub away this boys' stupid lies, followed by a 2hr nap to renew my mind after hearing such utter nonsense---- Marvel is better than DC?!?! BULL$*%!!!!!! You really want to base your whole argument on how perfect the X-Men are?! That entire team is an apocalypse waiting to happen: all you have to do is knock off Cyclopes' glasses and he can raze an entire freaking city, just hide Rogue's gloves and that crybaby wont be able to function on a daily basis because she cant touch anybody, and don't EVEN get me started on the mental dysfunction that is JEAN GREY! How dare you compare Bruce Wayne's years of accomplished training in every martial art, 14 languages, becoming a master biochemist, engineer, physicist, criminal detective, and all around BAD-ASS to the fact that Mr. Fantastic is a glorified STRETCHY SHELDON!!!! I need to take another nap....

Jesus/Gertrude/Beautiful

In order to fully understand this post, you should be aware that I often give rides to strange women and money to street beggars on the assumption that they are Jesus in disguise.
You should also know that when I speak of Gertrude, I am referring to my uterus.  She is an angry German fraulein who is rather impatient with not being able to carry out  her purpose of fetal enrichment.  Every month, Gertrude promises herself that she WILL nurture a baby this month and builds a nursery, despite my objections.  When she sees that I might not meet her ovulation deadline, she makes every man around me smell like candy and tells me that I'm such a pretty lady, and that it would be perfectly fine if I allowed a pretty man to come over and "watch movies" on my couch.  But I'm onto you Gertrude, you whore.  I know better than to believe that allowing ANY man into my apartment that isn't a close relative is good idea.  She thinks she's slick.  But I'm smarter than her.

"Stony-face" Gertrude.

So, anyway, as I walked around outside yesterday-- trying to slowly incorporate exercise into my life without going overboard, hating my life, and subsequently giving up this fitness journey-- I encountered two men walking in the same direction ahead of me and who stopped to ask me for directions.  The more assertive of the two smiled and asked to know my name.  I told him and proceeded to make a show of ignoring him as i placed my earbuds back into my ears.  Then I thought, what if that dude is Jesus? I just totally dismissed JESUS! CRAPTASTIC! So i took the earbuds out of my ears and flagged the two men down who had already crossed the street.  I gave the more assertive one (Antwon) better directions and tried to walk away but he was quick to ask me for my number.  Rude.  A polite man would have offered to give me his number so that I could contact him at MY earliest convenience.  Ugh..Men today.... So i was stupid enough to allow this man to have my number after a thorough inspection of his face and teeth which seemed to be symmetrical and well cared for.  Once i was back in my apartment, i realized what had just happened.  Either Antwon preys on unattractive women who don't think they can do better than him or I'm at least moderately attractive.  I went into my bathroom and looked into the mirror.  Is it just Gertrude lying to me again for her own nefarious purposes---- or am I freaking gorgeous?!?!

This lovely woman can totally pull off
walking down the street with no pants.
And, damn it, so can I.

Its not just Gertrude.  I really AM quite lovely.  But you wouldnt know it if you saw me on a regular day in Walmart or on my way to my mom's house, or even on my way to a restaurant or a random church activity.
Which leads me to my next realization.  I've become rather sloppy.  A few years ago, I was supa-fly.  Wore pretty dresses and always had on makeup and well-kept wavy hair.  Then i gained weight and instead of buying new clothes in bigger sizes, i said "EFF IT" and just wore sweatpants.  All day.  Every day.  I stopped wearing makeup and kept my hair wrapped in a scarf.  FOR YEARS.  No wonder, I have such low self esteem.  I see tons of big women who are much larger than me and still have the wealth of confidence that i used to possess.  So here's ANOTHER New Year's resolution: Stop Being Sloppy.  Skinny chicks can be ugly, pretty chicks can be fat. But if you are either ugly or fat, you absolutely CANNOT be sloppy.  So I'll be getting dressed every stinking day as though I have to be somewhere important.  My hair will be in place, my makeup immaculate, my perfume enticing, my clothing pressed, my teeth bleached and gleaming. Gertrude will be so happy.

2013 Resolution

So i decided that this year, i would actually get fit. I don't usually make fitness resolutions for the New Year, I just think "it would be nice if i lost ____ lbs" or "i hope this year, i'll be able to change my eating habits and fit into a size 9- maybe...we'll see" But I never actually resolved to DO anything. The only reason why I wanted to be a runner last year was to be able to outrun the inevitable zombie hoards. But now, I want to lose weight so that i like myself more. I find that I'm often envious of the bodies of others, constantly finding fault in them to make myself feel better (textbook envy) while wishing they'd choke on their own saliva. And i know that i cant do as the Lord asks and love my fellow man as myself if i don't love myself. When I initially recognized this problems within me, I chose to just stay home. If I'm not out and about with skinny people everywhere, I wont be envious of the attention they get (or LACK of attention I receive) and I wont be guilty of envy, jealousy, or backbiting. So I end up staying in my house for days and weeks at a time, because i don't want to get dressed and think I'm pretty just to have the guys that i want hit on my friends. I don't want to sit at a restaurant or a church activity all angry and upset at a friend who did nothing wrong except want to spend time with me in a public setting.

And i know that its just me because when my fatter friends say or do stupid things, i have no problem ignoring it. But when the skinny chicks get even a little weird, I'm quick to call her out. If she were fat, I'd think it was funny and awesome. But bc she's skinny, I nitpick at everything. I know this about myself and it disgusts me. I want to actually LOVE my friends. I want to actually LOVE myself and have confidence that if some guy doesn't want me, its because he isn't ready for a an amazing spiritual goddess. At the moment I'm stuck in a place wherein everyone thinks I'm ugly and gross. I don't want to be in this place. I don't want to be this person. I didn't used to be this person. So this year... I wont. It's as simple as that, really. I realize that all of the self-doubt and jealousy came about because of MY actions. So MY actions can stop it. In the same way that i decided that i would cook most of my meals from scratch and that i would cut off all of my relaxed hair and love my naturally coily hair, I decided that i CAN and WILL eat clean nutritious foods. I already started last year by cooking from scratch so that i know exactly what is in my food and can count all the calories. Then I just had to research the topic to understand weight loss and healthy lifestyle choices. Im a BIG researcher so for the entire month of December, that all i did... research. I experimented with keeping a food journal and counting calories. I even exercised a few times with the express purpose of losing weight instead of being able to keep my nieces from other desperate zombie survivors. Now that its 2013. I'm committed. I HAVE to do this. For myself, for my friends, and for my God who loves His children dearly and doesn't appreciate how critical I am of His daughters.

So today, after doing 10 girly push-ups and walking outside in the freezing cold- after counting out exactly how many calories are in everything that goes into my mouth- after reading motivational quotes like “I hated every minute of training, but I said, don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life a champion.” – Muhammad Ali..... I have kept the promise to LOVE myself today. and it felt damn good.