Remember the Sabbath Day, to keep it Holy.

Keeping the Sabbath Day holy has been a trial for me lately. I used to be good at this- I’d listen to gospel music in the morning as I got ready for church at 2:30pm. Sometimes, I’d go to another ward’s church service just so that my day was action-packed with gospel goodness. I would come home from church at 6, eat dinner, shower, and go into my room and watch past General Conference talks on TV until I fell asleep. And then…before ya know it… IT’S MONDAY and the SABBATH DAY was AMAZING!!



I think all these complacent Utah Mormons are affecting me. I stay up waaay too late on Saturday nights- talking on the phone, watching Hulu, out with friends, etc. and I don’t wake up until MAYBE 30 mins before I’m supposed to be leaving to go to church. After church, I eat and shower and then summarily proceed to watch SOMETHING secular. Apparently I can’t be alone with my own thoughts. I take so much joy in reading the scriptures on any other day. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to pick them up on Sundays. Id much rather eat while watching desperate housewives and then fall asleep at 5am after ive exhausted my list of meaningless activities. What’s wrong with me these days?



I’LL TELL YOU WHATS WRONG WITH ME! A supreme lack of faith! Satan tells me that its ok to watch tv on the Sabbath day for an hour while im eating. I mean, no one would possibly expect me to sit in silence while I eat dinner alone! That’s too depressing! And watching wrinkled old men talking about the Lord isn’t very appetizing! So DevilDude tells me that its ok to do it b/c no one REALLY expects me to keep the Sabbath Day holy. And then the second that I give in and watch TV while I’m eating or listening to secular music on the Lord’s Day, Satan retracts everything he said and contradicts himself by telling me that I’m sooooo horrible and I totally failed that test YET AGAIN! He tells me that he’ll leave me alone for the rest of the week (which I know he wont) because he knows that ill always be subject to the will of the Devil when it comes to the Sabbath.



But THE DEVIL IS A LIE!
(and according to previous drug-induced hallucinations, loves pink lace. Sooo gay).

I know that I can keep the Sabbath Day holy because ive done it before! When I heard that Hinckley had died, I had just finished watching a General Conference session and had told my mom about how great he was a few minutes before JR sent me that horrible txt (I mean, REALLY! Who the heck sends news of the death of a loved one via TEXT MESSEGE!?!?!?! That was the second time somebody did that crap to me!) SO I know that Hinckley is looking down on me hootin n hollerin tryna tell me that he has faith in me cause he saw me do it (picture old Hinckley making a pit stop at my mom’s house to check up on me before he reports for duty in Paradise- awesome).



Jesus tells me that all I have to do is “remember” and that will enlarge my ability to fully understand what Abba wants for me which will, in turn, strengthen my resolve against the adversary. The spirit is supposed to be the one who brings things to my remembrance. All I have to do to make sure i can constantly chitchat with the Spirit is stand in holy places and consciously invite him into my mind/heart/spirit/body. Often, I can very clearly hear what the Spirit is saying but SOMETHING always distracts me and makes my emotions go CRAZY! When this happens, I can barely think straight and I withdraw from the Lord into my own flawed reasoning (tinted, of course, with a whole lotta nagging from Satan). FRAK! ME!

So I guess I need to learn to recognize when the devil is tryna distract me and deal with my emotions in a more positive and productive way. How the heck am I posed to do that?! Dunno. But I’ve decided to practice keeping the Sabbath Day holy by keeping all the other days holy too- so that I don’t go through the early stages of withdrawal from Netflicks when I’m posed to be reading scriptures on a lovely Sunday afternoon. Besides, the scriptures say that Mon-Sat are days to work, not days to let the Devil creep into your life. All the days are posed to be holy anyway. The only diff is that on Sunday, you don’t go off to work. Let’s try that and see how it goes…..Starting……………………………………………………………NOW!!!!!

Tales of ZerLina and Laura-Denise (part 1)

Lina knows me prolly better than MOST including Annie, Merritt, Laura, and Genny COMBINED.
We were living in Roblee (technically she was in Wood Hall- but it was in the same building) at Stephens College. I was in her room more than my own. Mostly listening to John Mayer and talking about randomness. On one of the many occasions that I was in the hospital, she brought what I needed, gave me pertinent information and left. She is the only one who does that and that’s why I love her. I hate when ppl come to visit me in the hospital. So she keeps them away and tells them that I don’t want any visitors. Anyway, my visiting teachers took me home after I was discharged and I immediately sat down in front of the TV in the common room with my Apple-cinnamon Pop-Tarts and V-8 Splash. I got up to potty during a commercial break and when I got back I was told that Lina went upstairs to look for me- so I ran upstairs to meet her. But she wasn’t there so I went upstairs to her room. She wasn’t there either, so I made my way back downstairs to the common room. A few seconds later, I saw a blonde streak coming at me. She was screeching “YOURE BACK!!” She tells me a comical story of how she had come home and spotted the tell-tale signs of Laura-Denise Maxwell- poptarts and juice in front of the TV. When she didn’t see me in the common room, she ran upstairs to my bedroom and knocked on my door for a few minutes. At the same time that I was going up to see if she was at my bedroom door, she was running up to her room to see if I was at HER bedroom door. When I was running up to her room, she was taking the elevator back down to the common room. We both finally ended up in the common room grinning at each other.
She knows me sooo well. I love her. No homo.

The Road to Success isnt paved with gold. its not paved with blood, sweat, and tears. Its paved with 30 Rock and Battlestar Galactica.

Jesus told me to go to Utah: Done

Jesus told me to wait for a business opportunity in Utah: Done

Jesus told me to be diligent in my efforts with my fledgling company and get out every day and MAKE THAT MONEY LIKE AN ADULT: not so much.

It seems that, because I don’t have a traditional job that has me in the office working for someone else every day, I stay at home watching TV, eating Chinese food, and morphing into a general slob.

I wake up at noon30ish. Call a few friends and family members. Stretch for 20 minutes (I mean, REALLY, who the heck stretches for 20 frakin minutes?!) and then go eat some cereal- IF I decide to put clothes on. If I have yet to put on clothes, I sit there in total defiance of social convention refusing to put on a shirt and pants because I pay rent in this biAtch and I don’t have to wear clothes if I don’t want to! I open up the scriptures online in an effort to start the day off RIGHT with a little bit o Jesus. But something distracts me- like the realization that theres an episode of Vampire Diaries on sidereel.com that I have yet to watch. I figure I should prolly just get that outta the way before I start my day so that im not thinking about it and wishing I was watching tv while I read scriptures. So I quickly watch Vampire Diaries and as soon as the episode ends, I think about that episode of Burn Notice that I didn’t get to see last week and I open a new tab for hulu.com. I watch EVERYTHING in my queue and then proceed to Netflicks.com.

By this time I have ceased pretending I will be productive that day. Because it is now 6pm and I still don’t have clothes on. My stomach starts to growl at me and I reluctantly put on clothes so that my roommates don’t instantly turn into lesbians when they see my in all my caramel-coloured splendor. But why should I put on clothes just to make a bowl of cereal? NO!! I take the clothes BACK OFF and wrap myself in a big fluffy yellow towel and hope my roommates aren’t escorting people with penises into our apartment in the 3 mins it takes me to make my breakfast/lunch. When I get back into my room, I take the towel off and throw it to the floor with dramatic flourish because I DO WHAT I WANT! The giant bowl of cereal is delicioso and I contentedly fall asleep until 7:30ish when I get up again and see what the friends are up to. Theyre usually pretty boring so I end up going back home and watching more netflicks and playing sorority life on facebook. All the while, the online scriptures tab is still open because I feel too guilty to close it but I know I wont be reading my scriptures anytime soon.

Im not going to hell. I just might not be exalted.