The Road to Success isnt paved with gold. its not paved with blood, sweat, and tears. Its paved with 30 Rock and Battlestar Galactica.

Jesus told me to go to Utah: Done

Jesus told me to wait for a business opportunity in Utah: Done

Jesus told me to be diligent in my efforts with my fledgling company and get out every day and MAKE THAT MONEY LIKE AN ADULT: not so much.

It seems that, because I don’t have a traditional job that has me in the office working for someone else every day, I stay at home watching TV, eating Chinese food, and morphing into a general slob.

I wake up at noon30ish. Call a few friends and family members. Stretch for 20 minutes (I mean, REALLY, who the heck stretches for 20 frakin minutes?!) and then go eat some cereal- IF I decide to put clothes on. If I have yet to put on clothes, I sit there in total defiance of social convention refusing to put on a shirt and pants because I pay rent in this biAtch and I don’t have to wear clothes if I don’t want to! I open up the scriptures online in an effort to start the day off RIGHT with a little bit o Jesus. But something distracts me- like the realization that theres an episode of Vampire Diaries on sidereel.com that I have yet to watch. I figure I should prolly just get that outta the way before I start my day so that im not thinking about it and wishing I was watching tv while I read scriptures. So I quickly watch Vampire Diaries and as soon as the episode ends, I think about that episode of Burn Notice that I didn’t get to see last week and I open a new tab for hulu.com. I watch EVERYTHING in my queue and then proceed to Netflicks.com.

By this time I have ceased pretending I will be productive that day. Because it is now 6pm and I still don’t have clothes on. My stomach starts to growl at me and I reluctantly put on clothes so that my roommates don’t instantly turn into lesbians when they see my in all my caramel-coloured splendor. But why should I put on clothes just to make a bowl of cereal? NO!! I take the clothes BACK OFF and wrap myself in a big fluffy yellow towel and hope my roommates aren’t escorting people with penises into our apartment in the 3 mins it takes me to make my breakfast/lunch. When I get back into my room, I take the towel off and throw it to the floor with dramatic flourish because I DO WHAT I WANT! The giant bowl of cereal is delicioso and I contentedly fall asleep until 7:30ish when I get up again and see what the friends are up to. Theyre usually pretty boring so I end up going back home and watching more netflicks and playing sorority life on facebook. All the while, the online scriptures tab is still open because I feel too guilty to close it but I know I wont be reading my scriptures anytime soon.

Im not going to hell. I just might not be exalted.