2013 Resolution

So i decided that this year, i would actually get fit. I don't usually make fitness resolutions for the New Year, I just think "it would be nice if i lost ____ lbs" or "i hope this year, i'll be able to change my eating habits and fit into a size 9- maybe...we'll see" But I never actually resolved to DO anything. The only reason why I wanted to be a runner last year was to be able to outrun the inevitable zombie hoards. But now, I want to lose weight so that i like myself more. I find that I'm often envious of the bodies of others, constantly finding fault in them to make myself feel better (textbook envy) while wishing they'd choke on their own saliva. And i know that i cant do as the Lord asks and love my fellow man as myself if i don't love myself. When I initially recognized this problems within me, I chose to just stay home. If I'm not out and about with skinny people everywhere, I wont be envious of the attention they get (or LACK of attention I receive) and I wont be guilty of envy, jealousy, or backbiting. So I end up staying in my house for days and weeks at a time, because i don't want to get dressed and think I'm pretty just to have the guys that i want hit on my friends. I don't want to sit at a restaurant or a church activity all angry and upset at a friend who did nothing wrong except want to spend time with me in a public setting.

And i know that its just me because when my fatter friends say or do stupid things, i have no problem ignoring it. But when the skinny chicks get even a little weird, I'm quick to call her out. If she were fat, I'd think it was funny and awesome. But bc she's skinny, I nitpick at everything. I know this about myself and it disgusts me. I want to actually LOVE my friends. I want to actually LOVE myself and have confidence that if some guy doesn't want me, its because he isn't ready for a an amazing spiritual goddess. At the moment I'm stuck in a place wherein everyone thinks I'm ugly and gross. I don't want to be in this place. I don't want to be this person. I didn't used to be this person. So this year... I wont. It's as simple as that, really. I realize that all of the self-doubt and jealousy came about because of MY actions. So MY actions can stop it. In the same way that i decided that i would cook most of my meals from scratch and that i would cut off all of my relaxed hair and love my naturally coily hair, I decided that i CAN and WILL eat clean nutritious foods. I already started last year by cooking from scratch so that i know exactly what is in my food and can count all the calories. Then I just had to research the topic to understand weight loss and healthy lifestyle choices. Im a BIG researcher so for the entire month of December, that all i did... research. I experimented with keeping a food journal and counting calories. I even exercised a few times with the express purpose of losing weight instead of being able to keep my nieces from other desperate zombie survivors. Now that its 2013. I'm committed. I HAVE to do this. For myself, for my friends, and for my God who loves His children dearly and doesn't appreciate how critical I am of His daughters.

So today, after doing 10 girly push-ups and walking outside in the freezing cold- after counting out exactly how many calories are in everything that goes into my mouth- after reading motivational quotes like “I hated every minute of training, but I said, don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life a champion.” – Muhammad Ali..... I have kept the promise to LOVE myself today. and it felt damn good.

Testify of my GOD to my GOD: He is always watching me and knows what i need

Thou hast knowledge of my thoughts and my fears. How else wouldst Thou know how to comfort me and speak peace to my soul without me having to say a word? All I do is pray unto Thee in silent supplication and Thou art immediately there. I went to Syrenna’s house after institute on Tuesday and I realized that I was in a quiet sort of mood. Most of the time that mood comes when im sick or about to be sick. Suddenly fear replaced the slightly confused peace- I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I couldn’t bear to smell the chemicals or feel the drugs in my system. I feared the nightmares and the chemically induced depression that was bound to come afterwards. Thankfully, the fear was not all-consuming. I remembered Thee and knew that I was worthy of Thy spirit and Thy comfort. So I went into Syrenna’s room, closed the door, and prayed for peace. I said that I was not afraid of the hospital experience and that I feared Thee much more than I fear the hospital and I know that Thou wilt provide a way for me (as always) to come out of the hospital with my faith, mind, and hope intact. The peace came immediately- like I had been shot with a tranquilizer gun. I took a deep breath and went back into the living room and talked with Syrenna for another hour. Renna is wonderful. Thank you, Jesus, for giving her to me.

Tales of ZerLina and Laura-Denise (part 1)

Lina knows me prolly better than MOST including Annie, Merritt, Laura, and Genny COMBINED.
We were living in Roblee (technically she was in Wood Hall- but it was in the same building) at Stephens College. I was in her room more than my own. Mostly listening to John Mayer and talking about randomness. On one of the many occasions that I was in the hospital, she brought what I needed, gave me pertinent information and left. She is the only one who does that and that’s why I love her. I hate when ppl come to visit me in the hospital. So she keeps them away and tells them that I don’t want any visitors. Anyway, my visiting teachers took me home after I was discharged and I immediately sat down in front of the TV in the common room with my Apple-cinnamon Pop-Tarts and V-8 Splash. I got up to potty during a commercial break and when I got back I was told that Lina went upstairs to look for me- so I ran upstairs to meet her. But she wasn’t there so I went upstairs to her room. She wasn’t there either, so I made my way back downstairs to the common room. A few seconds later, I saw a blonde streak coming at me. She was screeching “YOURE BACK!!” She tells me a comical story of how she had come home and spotted the tell-tale signs of Laura-Denise Maxwell- poptarts and juice in front of the TV. When she didn’t see me in the common room, she ran upstairs to my bedroom and knocked on my door for a few minutes. At the same time that I was going up to see if she was at my bedroom door, she was running up to her room to see if I was at HER bedroom door. When I was running up to her room, she was taking the elevator back down to the common room. We both finally ended up in the common room grinning at each other.
She knows me sooo well. I love her. No homo.