2013 Resolution

So i decided that this year, i would actually get fit. I don't usually make fitness resolutions for the New Year, I just think "it would be nice if i lost ____ lbs" or "i hope this year, i'll be able to change my eating habits and fit into a size 9- maybe...we'll see" But I never actually resolved to DO anything. The only reason why I wanted to be a runner last year was to be able to outrun the inevitable zombie hoards. But now, I want to lose weight so that i like myself more. I find that I'm often envious of the bodies of others, constantly finding fault in them to make myself feel better (textbook envy) while wishing they'd choke on their own saliva. And i know that i cant do as the Lord asks and love my fellow man as myself if i don't love myself. When I initially recognized this problems within me, I chose to just stay home. If I'm not out and about with skinny people everywhere, I wont be envious of the attention they get (or LACK of attention I receive) and I wont be guilty of envy, jealousy, or backbiting. So I end up staying in my house for days and weeks at a time, because i don't want to get dressed and think I'm pretty just to have the guys that i want hit on my friends. I don't want to sit at a restaurant or a church activity all angry and upset at a friend who did nothing wrong except want to spend time with me in a public setting.

And i know that its just me because when my fatter friends say or do stupid things, i have no problem ignoring it. But when the skinny chicks get even a little weird, I'm quick to call her out. If she were fat, I'd think it was funny and awesome. But bc she's skinny, I nitpick at everything. I know this about myself and it disgusts me. I want to actually LOVE my friends. I want to actually LOVE myself and have confidence that if some guy doesn't want me, its because he isn't ready for a an amazing spiritual goddess. At the moment I'm stuck in a place wherein everyone thinks I'm ugly and gross. I don't want to be in this place. I don't want to be this person. I didn't used to be this person. So this year... I wont. It's as simple as that, really. I realize that all of the self-doubt and jealousy came about because of MY actions. So MY actions can stop it. In the same way that i decided that i would cook most of my meals from scratch and that i would cut off all of my relaxed hair and love my naturally coily hair, I decided that i CAN and WILL eat clean nutritious foods. I already started last year by cooking from scratch so that i know exactly what is in my food and can count all the calories. Then I just had to research the topic to understand weight loss and healthy lifestyle choices. Im a BIG researcher so for the entire month of December, that all i did... research. I experimented with keeping a food journal and counting calories. I even exercised a few times with the express purpose of losing weight instead of being able to keep my nieces from other desperate zombie survivors. Now that its 2013. I'm committed. I HAVE to do this. For myself, for my friends, and for my God who loves His children dearly and doesn't appreciate how critical I am of His daughters.

So today, after doing 10 girly push-ups and walking outside in the freezing cold- after counting out exactly how many calories are in everything that goes into my mouth- after reading motivational quotes like “I hated every minute of training, but I said, don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life a champion.” – Muhammad Ali..... I have kept the promise to LOVE myself today. and it felt damn good.