Jesus/Gertrude/Beautiful

In order to fully understand this post, you should be aware that I often give rides to strange women and money to street beggars on the assumption that they are Jesus in disguise.
You should also know that when I speak of Gertrude, I am referring to my uterus.  She is an angry German fraulein who is rather impatient with not being able to carry out  her purpose of fetal enrichment.  Every month, Gertrude promises herself that she WILL nurture a baby this month and builds a nursery, despite my objections.  When she sees that I might not meet her ovulation deadline, she makes every man around me smell like candy and tells me that I'm such a pretty lady, and that it would be perfectly fine if I allowed a pretty man to come over and "watch movies" on my couch.  But I'm onto you Gertrude, you whore.  I know better than to believe that allowing ANY man into my apartment that isn't a close relative is good idea.  She thinks she's slick.  But I'm smarter than her.

"Stony-face" Gertrude.

So, anyway, as I walked around outside yesterday-- trying to slowly incorporate exercise into my life without going overboard, hating my life, and subsequently giving up this fitness journey-- I encountered two men walking in the same direction ahead of me and who stopped to ask me for directions.  The more assertive of the two smiled and asked to know my name.  I told him and proceeded to make a show of ignoring him as i placed my earbuds back into my ears.  Then I thought, what if that dude is Jesus? I just totally dismissed JESUS! CRAPTASTIC! So i took the earbuds out of my ears and flagged the two men down who had already crossed the street.  I gave the more assertive one (Antwon) better directions and tried to walk away but he was quick to ask me for my number.  Rude.  A polite man would have offered to give me his number so that I could contact him at MY earliest convenience.  Ugh..Men today.... So i was stupid enough to allow this man to have my number after a thorough inspection of his face and teeth which seemed to be symmetrical and well cared for.  Once i was back in my apartment, i realized what had just happened.  Either Antwon preys on unattractive women who don't think they can do better than him or I'm at least moderately attractive.  I went into my bathroom and looked into the mirror.  Is it just Gertrude lying to me again for her own nefarious purposes---- or am I freaking gorgeous?!?!

This lovely woman can totally pull off
walking down the street with no pants.
And, damn it, so can I.

Its not just Gertrude.  I really AM quite lovely.  But you wouldnt know it if you saw me on a regular day in Walmart or on my way to my mom's house, or even on my way to a restaurant or a random church activity.
Which leads me to my next realization.  I've become rather sloppy.  A few years ago, I was supa-fly.  Wore pretty dresses and always had on makeup and well-kept wavy hair.  Then i gained weight and instead of buying new clothes in bigger sizes, i said "EFF IT" and just wore sweatpants.  All day.  Every day.  I stopped wearing makeup and kept my hair wrapped in a scarf.  FOR YEARS.  No wonder, I have such low self esteem.  I see tons of big women who are much larger than me and still have the wealth of confidence that i used to possess.  So here's ANOTHER New Year's resolution: Stop Being Sloppy.  Skinny chicks can be ugly, pretty chicks can be fat. But if you are either ugly or fat, you absolutely CANNOT be sloppy.  So I'll be getting dressed every stinking day as though I have to be somewhere important.  My hair will be in place, my makeup immaculate, my perfume enticing, my clothing pressed, my teeth bleached and gleaming. Gertrude will be so happy.