Death By Treadmill

FML

I vividly remember the first time Merritt tried to jog in downtown KCMO, she called me really PEEEEEEEE’d off and complaining about how stupid, painful, and pointless running is. But she’s a glutton for punishment and decided to do it again but this time she did the “couch-2-5k” program. Its pretty much just going from being a bum on the couch to alternating between walking and jogging until you can either jog 5k or for 30 mins straight. While she was in the process of killing herself, she began to really like jogging and being on the treadmill. Now Merbish Nicole Watson-almost-Benson considers herself a “runner” (although she routinely injures herself because she refuses to stretch, warm-up, or cool down) and the proof is in the medal-shaped pudding


I decided a while ago that I was going to try and get fit but never really kept it going. I would try to go to the gym every day and then quit because I got busy. Or I would try to play a sport with the Polys like volleyball and discovered that I have little to no coordination. I didn’t have any real weight loss goals, I just wanted to be able to run around with my nieces, nephews and future children. I wanted to participate when my friends played Xtreme Spoons for FHE.

And, let’s face it- don’t we all wish we were able to outrun the zombie hoards when the apocalypse comes?



I’ve also been trying to consistently underachieve. It’s something that I read about in one of Robert Kiyosaki’s books- he says that you should have lofty goals but not at first. You should learn to build confidence in yourself and have a lot of small victories as you try to accomplish your goal instead of having some lofty goal and feeling like a massive failure when life gets in the way and you cant achieve it. For example, if I’m in the habit of waking up at noon and I want to develop a habit of waking up by 6am- I can’t just keep all of my same habits and get up at 6am. I’ll be too sleepy and go right back to bed. When I finally wake up again at noon-30, I’ll feel like a failure bc I wasn’t able to get up when I wanted to. But if take Kiyosaki’s advice, my overarching goal is to wake up at 6am but my goal for the week is to just wake up ANYTIME BEFORE NOON. Even if I wake up at 11:59, I feel like a winner and I get into the habit of keeping promises to myself. The week after that, my goal is to wake up ANTIME before 11:30am, and so forth until I get to 6am.

I’m applying the “consistently underachieving” principle to working out- so my overarching goal is to run a 10k at some point this year. But my immediate goals, since January 10th, has been to just put on my workout clothes for a week and stretch. And then the following week, I put on the workout clothes, stretched AND did core exercises (100 crunches).


Today, I started the actual program….. and it almost killed me. The first week, I have to alternate between 60secs of jogging with 90secs of walking for 20 mins. I was only on my third rep of jogging when I thought my heart would explode and had to stop. I went back to my apartment and neglected to stretch because I was too busy dying. Once I caught my breath, I stretched bc I was afraid of feeling any worse that I did right at that moment and realized…. my shins and feet hurt…. But it hurt soooo good. I think I may be a little masochistic- because once I was all stretched out and I caught my breath, I wanted to go back to the gym and finish. I know its wrong but it feels so right. My roommate’s friend took pics of my abject misery… and my super creepy “let’s go do it again” face. It scares me a little.

I have faith in Christ, not prophets... and I'm a Mormon

So I’ll give you my personal testimony first: All of this started with a question: If the prophets can never lead anyone astray, then was slavery really the Lord’s will like Brigham Young said? Am I really cursed because of something one of my ancestors did centuries ago? Does the Lord really think my skin is filthy and loathsome? Does He really think every part of my culture is so abominable that it warrants barring ALL of us from exaltation (even though the reason my culture is based on honor and respect is because that’s all we had left after my people were raped, beaten, and sold by a supposedly “civilized” culture based on “white/might-makes-right”)?

James 1:5 told me to ask God, so I did. I asked if He loved me, He said yes. Then I asked Him if He really thought such horrid things about me and my people, He said no. I asked if the church was true and He said yes. But how can this be the true church of Jesus Christ and still have utterly racist prophets? He knew how much I loved to read and research so He lead me to a lot of different stuff- I ignored some of it because of its unreasonableness and only paid attention to the more relevant stuff that directly answered my questions. I was trying to get down to the REAL questions. Which aren’t , “does He love me?” or “is GBH a prophet?” The REAL questions turned out to be “Can the prophets be wrong about doctrine?” and the answer was “Yes, prophets have been wrong in the past, they get stuff wrong today, and they’ll get stuff wrong in the future- but they’re still prophets and you should listen to them.”---“How do I know when the prophets are right and when they’re wrong?”---“Ask Me.”---“Every time?---“ Yes, ask Me every time. I always want to talk to you.”---“Every single time seems kinda tiresome, is there a shortcut or a clue to know when I should discount something that the prophets have said?”---“Be not weary in well-doing: pray unceasingly”---“Everybody in the Church always says to ‘trust the prophets’, prophets aren’t as racist as they used to be, and I agree with everything they say anyway. So cant I just trust and obey them like everyone says?”---“NO, trust in Me and obey My words. The role of a prophet is to point the people in My direction, not become my earthly substitute. Don’t be concerned with what the rest of the church says and does, worry about yourself. Not everyone who is in the kingdom of God belongs to the CHURCH OF CHRIST- remember that the way to eternal life is straight and narrow and few there be that find it.”

So without further ado, this is where He led me as I (re)searched, pondered, and prayed:

1. Joseph Smith, History of the church volume 5 page 267—“a prophet was a prophet only when he was acting as such”

2. Kirtland Safety Society- There was widespread dissention in the church because the people didn’t recognize that not everything a prophet says comes from the Lord and that you shouldn’t put your trust in them- it should be placed firmly in Christ Jesus. If the saints had known where to place their faith and who to ask, they wouldn’t have invested in the bank- or at the very least, they wouldn’t have apostatized when they realized that Joseph Smith had been wrong.

3. Adam/God Doctrine- every part of what BY says about this doctrine reflects his belief that Adam came to this earth as a glorified deity from another glorified planet and that Adam is the only God that we should have anything to do with. There is no way to misunderstand what he is saying. Even if you propose that BY meant that Adam had god-like priesthood authority over his posterity, it still doesn’t reasonably explain most of the nonsense he said. And when so many people supposedly “misinterpreted” his theory as “Adam= Father in Heaven”, BY didn’t correct them but, instead, reamed Orson Pratt for not immediately going along with the supposedly “misinterpreted” doctrine.

"Some years ago, I advanced a doctrine with regard to Adam being our father and God, that will be a curse to many of the Elders of Israel because of their folly. With regard to it they yet grovel in darkness and will. It is one of the most glorious revealments of the economy of heaven, yet the world holds derision. Had I revealed the doctrine of baptism from [sic.] the dead instead of Joseph Smith there are men around me who would have ridiculed the idea until dooms day. But they are ignorant and stupid like the dumb ass." ---Quoted from Manuscript addresses form Brigham Young

(a prophet is only a prophet when he is acting as such and BY isnt acting like a prophet by calling anyone who doesn’t believe in the Adam/God doctrine an ignorant stupid dumb ass)


4. Priesthood Ban- “You see some classes of the human family that are black, uncouth, un- comely, disagreeable and low in their habits, wild, and seemingly deprived of nearly all the blessings of the intelligence that is generally bestowed upon mankind. The first man that committed the odious crime of killing one of his brethren will be cursed the longest of anyone of the children of Adam. Cain slew his brother. Cain might have been killed, and that would have put a termination to that line of human beings. This was not to be, and the Lord put a mark upon him, which is the flat nose and black skin. Trace mankind down to after the flood, and then another curse is pronounced upon the same race – that they should be the “servant of servants;” and they will be, until that curse is removed; and the Abolitionists cannot help it, nor in the least alter that decree. How long is that race to endure the dreadful curse that is upon them? That curse will remain upon them,[p.291] and they never can hold the Priesthood or share in it until all the other descendants of Adam have received the promises and enjoyed the blessings of the Priesthood and the keys thereof. Until the last ones of the residue of Adam’s children are brought up to that favourable position, the children of Cain cannot receive the first ordinances of the Priesthood. They were the first that were cursed, and they will be the last from whom the curse will be removed. When the residue of the family of Adam come up and receive their blessings, then the curse will be removed from the seed of Cain, and they will receive blessings in like proportion. “- JoD 7:290-291

4a. Black men were ordained by Joseph Smith himself. Before the William McCary “scandal” BY said "Its nothing to do with the blood for [from] one blood has God made all flesh, we have to repent [to] regain what we have lost — we have one of the best Elders an African in Lowell [referring to Walker Lewis ].": Brigham Young Papers, March 26,1847, LDS Church Archives, Salt Lake City, Utah

4b. The Official Declaration was given in 1978, well before nations like China and Russia were open to LDS missionaries (well before many of the family of Adam received any knowledge of the gospel, let alone the priesthood)
 
4c. Black men with the holy Melchezedek priesthood before the ban was lifted in 1978:
Elijah Abel, March 1836 (ordained as a seventy the following December)
Walker Lewis, 1844
William McCary, 1846
Enoch Abel (son of Elijah Abel), 1900
Elijah Abel (grandson of Elijah Abel), 1935
Black ppl in the Philippines and Figians by 1950 (all with the flat nose/black skin “mark of Cain”)

Doctrinal proof that BY was wrong:
4d. Articles of Faith 2: we believe that men will be punished for their own sins and not for Adam’s transgression. [we aren’t punished for the sins of our fathers- Besides, Cain and his descendants died in the flood. We are ALL descendants of Seth. I WILL acknowledge that I am a descendent of Ham (who was also cursed) but so was Melchezedek through Jebus]

4e. D&C 1:35- For I am no respecter of persons, and will that all men shall know that the day speedily cometh; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand, when peace shall be taken from the earth, and the devil shall have power over his own dominion.

4f. D&C 6:4, 11:4, 12:4, 14:4- Yea, whosoever will thrust in his sickle and reap, the same is called of God(NOT whosoever will that is also Caucasian)

4g. D&C 124:50- And the iniquity and transgression of my holy laws I will visit upon the heads of those who hindered my work, unto the third and fourth generation, so long as they repent not, and hate me, saith the Lord. (most ppl in this country think that our church is inherently racist because of the ridiculous things our founding leaders have said and continued to say until the ban was lifted in1978- if that doesn’t count as a hindrance, I don’t know what does)

4h. Abraham 2:11- And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse them that curse thee; and in thee (that is, in thy Priesthood) and in thy seed (that is, thy Priesthood), for I give unto thee a promise that this right shall continue in thee, and in thy seed after thee (that is to say, the literal seed, or the seed of the body) shall all the families of the earth be blessed, even with the blessings of the Gospel, which are the blessings of salvation, even of life eternal. (ALL, not some, not just the white ones- ALL)

5. Nephi asking the Lord to show him what his father saw-instead of just blindly following. (1 Nephi 2:16)

6. Matthew 25, Parable of the 10 virgins: 5 wise virgins who had their own oil (personal testimony) and the 5 foolish virgins who didnt have enough oil and wanted to borrow from the 5 wise virgins. And when the bridegroom (Christ) came, they were stuck outside. They knocked and Christ said that He didn’t know them.

Who DOES He know? His sheep (3Nephi 18:31), HOW do they know Him? By his voice (John 10:27). How do they know the Lords voice from others' voices? Obedience to the HOLY SPIRIT (D&C 38:22) NOT the prophets.

Yes, the prophets teach through the power of the holy spirit but this isn’t the church of Thomas S Monson. It’s the church of Jesus Christ and at the last day, the Lord will call his sheep and the foolish virgins/sheep wont know Him or be able to recognize His voice bc they’re trying to listen for Monson’s voice (as wonderfully cheerful as it is) D&C 84:52- and whoso recieveth not my voice is not acquainted with my voice and, is not of me.

7. 2 Kings 13- prophet leads another prophet astray. [(This one is my personal favorite. (Whether you go by the KJV or the JST, the message is the same: Counsel with the Lord regardless of the words of the prophets.)]


Elohim is the God of truth and reason. The members of the kingdom of God must reasonably ask themselves:

Do you sincerely DISARGEE that ultimately, you have to gain your own testimony of the truthfulness of gospel principles?

Do you REALLY BELIEVE that you won’t be HELD ACCOUNTABLE for following the prophet when he is wrong? That the Lord doesn’t expect you to have the faith to go to Him and ask whether you should blindly follow every word that proceeds out of the mouth of a fallible MAN?

D&C 1:2- For the voice of the Lord is unto all men, and there is none to escape; and there is no eye that shall not see, neither ear that shall not hear, neither heart that shall not be penetrated
James 1:5- If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
D&C 88:82-83 Therefore they are left without excuse and their sins are upon their own heads. He that seeketh me early shall find me and shall not be forsaken.

I guess I'm done for now.

The Next Generation

So my new favorite person in the whole wide world is a tiny, magical, gassy, baby boy named Porter Baker. I spent 3 days with him and had a blast- cant wait to do it again next month. I am now intent on showing my new baby exactly how ridiculous the stereotypes of African Americans are by being a Strong Black Woman. He will know better than to view random actions as confirmations of stereotypes: he’ll see that just because I get loud when I’m on the phone with my family, doesn’t mean all Black women are loud ALL the time. And just because I can become incensed about social issues doesn’t mean that im the “angry Black woman” who starts fights for no reason. Just because I’m a wonderful cook doesn’t mean I’m a morbidly obese “Mamie” whose sole purpose in life is to provide guidance and inspiration to the white folk. This particular little white baby boy will grow up expecting African American women to be forces of nature who listen to the still small voice of the spirit. He will know without a shadow of a doubt that Black women are painters, poets, scholars, entrepreneurs, CEOs, politicians, gentle yet firm mothers, faithful wives, and devout followers of the one true and living God. Instead of being surprised that a Black woman can speak standard American English, that she is not the promiscuous woman in the music video, or that she isn’t the inevitable welfare recipient- he will expect her to speak as eloquently as Frederick Douglas, be as chaste and virtuous as the woman in Proverbs 31:10-31, and have put her several college degrees to good use.
Porter won’t have to read about amazing Black women in books, He can just go over to Auntie La-La’s house.

"Familiar Spirits"

I have no idea how many spirits are surrounding me at any given time but I know what KIND of spirits they are. Every one of them lies to me on a continual never-ending basis. They are:


The Spirits of Doubt – these lying spirits are always telling me to doubt that what I hear from the Lord is coming from Him. They want me to believe that these wise and kind words of love are coming from my own flawed mortal mind. They want me to doubt that I will ever achieve the things that the Lord has promised me if im diligent. They tell me that I don’t have the strength to resist the temptations of the devil and his minions.

The Spirits of Envy- when astounding things happen to my friends, I am so excited as though it were actually happening to me. I get so happy for them and want to hear all about their amazing news. And then, after ive told all of my other friends about how great things are going for everyone but me, the spirit of envy swoops in and asks, “when will YOU have that? you’ve been promised…you should have it by now…unless… the little sins that you commit every day are keeping you from your blessings. Youll never reach the level of righteousness that will bring blessing to you. Youre too sinful. All youll ever be able to do is look at their blessing and WISH your life was like theirs."

The Spirits of Procrastination- Evil spirits who lie and contradict themselves when they tell me that the smaller sins don’t matter in the great scheme of things. They tell me that I have time and that the righteousness will come tomorrow. Its okay to talk bad about that girl- one last time. Its okay to lust after the guy on tv- one last time. Its okay to watch tv instead of going to bed- itll only be for 30 mins MAX. Its okay to eat some more pizza- this ONE slice cant hurt; you just have to moderate yourself; if you don’t eat it, itll go to waste and youll be throwing money into the trash. Its ok- one last time.

The Spirits of Despair- the spirits that are telling me that theres no use in getting up early, something ELSE will make me late anyway. Ill miss the bus; forget my keys and have to go back; I accidently scheduled the appointment on a completely different day. Something WILL go wrong. So why bother? Theres no point in looking for a job. Youll apply for various positions and no one will hire you bc you have sickle cell. And even if you don’t tell them that you have scd, they’ll fire you as soon as they find out. Even if you never get sick again. The economy is bad and youll never find a job. Youre over-qualified. Youre under-qualified. You have a cocky attitude. You don’t have enough confidence. It’s a college town and no one pays very much money anyway. Youll never be financially independent anyway, no one is- so why bother? Whats the point? Stay in bed. Watch tv. Watch other people’s lives. Theyre much more amusing anyway.



Im beginning to see how they work and how they think. Im beginning to remember to ask myself “who would want me to think/do such a thing?” what spirit would tell me that its okay to watch more tv? What spirit would tell me that I shouldn’t fast today because im not righteous enough? What spirit would tell me that its okay for me not to pray before bed if im too tired?

But the spirit has not altogether left me. He tells me the truth of all things and I can easily banish the familiar spirits---

“I know who you are. You don’t scare me. I am a daughter of the LIVING GOD. I was a princess bf I came to this earth and will become a queen before I leave it. Ultimately, my role as a goddess will blind your feeble eyes and you wont be able to stand my presence, let alone come close enough to tempt me. So, in the name of Jesus Christ, the Only Begotten Son of the Eternal Father, I command you to depart hence.”

Works every time.

Thank you Jesus.

Testify of my GOD to my GOD: He is always watching me and knows what i need

Thou hast knowledge of my thoughts and my fears. How else wouldst Thou know how to comfort me and speak peace to my soul without me having to say a word? All I do is pray unto Thee in silent supplication and Thou art immediately there. I went to Syrenna’s house after institute on Tuesday and I realized that I was in a quiet sort of mood. Most of the time that mood comes when im sick or about to be sick. Suddenly fear replaced the slightly confused peace- I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I couldn’t bear to smell the chemicals or feel the drugs in my system. I feared the nightmares and the chemically induced depression that was bound to come afterwards. Thankfully, the fear was not all-consuming. I remembered Thee and knew that I was worthy of Thy spirit and Thy comfort. So I went into Syrenna’s room, closed the door, and prayed for peace. I said that I was not afraid of the hospital experience and that I feared Thee much more than I fear the hospital and I know that Thou wilt provide a way for me (as always) to come out of the hospital with my faith, mind, and hope intact. The peace came immediately- like I had been shot with a tranquilizer gun. I took a deep breath and went back into the living room and talked with Syrenna for another hour. Renna is wonderful. Thank you, Jesus, for giving her to me.

I am African-American

Quick Thoughts from my ever-churning mind (these thoughts still need to be developed and researched so, please, give me your opinions- and any books that you think might enlighten me)

It seems as though there are so many ppl trying to wipe away the African connection
They no longer want to be thought of as African Americans. They will now be referred to as Black Americans
Distancing themselves from the history and culture that was once theirs. The time when they were more than Black. They were Ethiopian, they were Egyptian, they were Nigerian. The stigmas attached to being a dark-skinned person in America is all that they want us to know. They want us to forget that we were abolitionists before European slavery even came about. Forget the ancient freedoms we've fought for. Forget the empires we've built, the nations we've conquered, and the complex societies we've developed. Forget that there was once a time BEFORE we were slaves for light-skinned people. Make the next generation forget by leaving out the "African" in African-American.

I am called Black, not because Black is all that I am, Black is simply all that you care to see. I am also chocolate and caramel and cherry wood (depending on the season and my recent sun exposure). I am the daughter of a domestic goddess and a hard-working minister. I am a Stephens College graduate. I am a woman who melts into a pool of hormones when i see a man in a well-tailored suit. I know from whom i've come.... Royalty and slave alike.

My people built this nation. From the ground up. The monuments that you attribute to the genius minds of the greatest white architects were constructed by MY slave ancestors, brick by brick, and inspired by the monuments found in MY royal ancestors' homeland. The art, math, and science that is so widely used and admired by the western world originated in Africa (where MOST things originated); so i cannot understand how the western world can demonize and degrade its people while hijacking its culture and accomplishments.

But never mind all that. Ultimately, I want to be seen as a daughter of God. And judged on my accomplishments and character. Not on my skin color, or my ancestry, or my family name. I only point out the accomplishments of African people to show all who believe in white supremacy (both dark and light-skinned people) that such concepts are stupid and can only be sustained in the most unreasonable minds.

Remember the Sabbath Day, to keep it Holy.

Keeping the Sabbath Day holy has been a trial for me lately. I used to be good at this- I’d listen to gospel music in the morning as I got ready for church at 2:30pm. Sometimes, I’d go to another ward’s church service just so that my day was action-packed with gospel goodness. I would come home from church at 6, eat dinner, shower, and go into my room and watch past General Conference talks on TV until I fell asleep. And then…before ya know it… IT’S MONDAY and the SABBATH DAY was AMAZING!!



I think all these complacent Utah Mormons are affecting me. I stay up waaay too late on Saturday nights- talking on the phone, watching Hulu, out with friends, etc. and I don’t wake up until MAYBE 30 mins before I’m supposed to be leaving to go to church. After church, I eat and shower and then summarily proceed to watch SOMETHING secular. Apparently I can’t be alone with my own thoughts. I take so much joy in reading the scriptures on any other day. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to pick them up on Sundays. Id much rather eat while watching desperate housewives and then fall asleep at 5am after ive exhausted my list of meaningless activities. What’s wrong with me these days?



I’LL TELL YOU WHATS WRONG WITH ME! A supreme lack of faith! Satan tells me that its ok to watch tv on the Sabbath day for an hour while im eating. I mean, no one would possibly expect me to sit in silence while I eat dinner alone! That’s too depressing! And watching wrinkled old men talking about the Lord isn’t very appetizing! So DevilDude tells me that its ok to do it b/c no one REALLY expects me to keep the Sabbath Day holy. And then the second that I give in and watch TV while I’m eating or listening to secular music on the Lord’s Day, Satan retracts everything he said and contradicts himself by telling me that I’m sooooo horrible and I totally failed that test YET AGAIN! He tells me that he’ll leave me alone for the rest of the week (which I know he wont) because he knows that ill always be subject to the will of the Devil when it comes to the Sabbath.



But THE DEVIL IS A LIE!
(and according to previous drug-induced hallucinations, loves pink lace. Sooo gay).

I know that I can keep the Sabbath Day holy because ive done it before! When I heard that Hinckley had died, I had just finished watching a General Conference session and had told my mom about how great he was a few minutes before JR sent me that horrible txt (I mean, REALLY! Who the heck sends news of the death of a loved one via TEXT MESSEGE!?!?!?! That was the second time somebody did that crap to me!) SO I know that Hinckley is looking down on me hootin n hollerin tryna tell me that he has faith in me cause he saw me do it (picture old Hinckley making a pit stop at my mom’s house to check up on me before he reports for duty in Paradise- awesome).



Jesus tells me that all I have to do is “remember” and that will enlarge my ability to fully understand what Abba wants for me which will, in turn, strengthen my resolve against the adversary. The spirit is supposed to be the one who brings things to my remembrance. All I have to do to make sure i can constantly chitchat with the Spirit is stand in holy places and consciously invite him into my mind/heart/spirit/body. Often, I can very clearly hear what the Spirit is saying but SOMETHING always distracts me and makes my emotions go CRAZY! When this happens, I can barely think straight and I withdraw from the Lord into my own flawed reasoning (tinted, of course, with a whole lotta nagging from Satan). FRAK! ME!

So I guess I need to learn to recognize when the devil is tryna distract me and deal with my emotions in a more positive and productive way. How the heck am I posed to do that?! Dunno. But I’ve decided to practice keeping the Sabbath Day holy by keeping all the other days holy too- so that I don’t go through the early stages of withdrawal from Netflicks when I’m posed to be reading scriptures on a lovely Sunday afternoon. Besides, the scriptures say that Mon-Sat are days to work, not days to let the Devil creep into your life. All the days are posed to be holy anyway. The only diff is that on Sunday, you don’t go off to work. Let’s try that and see how it goes…..Starting……………………………………………………………NOW!!!!!