The Next Generation

So my new favorite person in the whole wide world is a tiny, magical, gassy, baby boy named Porter Baker. I spent 3 days with him and had a blast- cant wait to do it again next month. I am now intent on showing my new baby exactly how ridiculous the stereotypes of African Americans are by being a Strong Black Woman. He will know better than to view random actions as confirmations of stereotypes: he’ll see that just because I get loud when I’m on the phone with my family, doesn’t mean all Black women are loud ALL the time. And just because I can become incensed about social issues doesn’t mean that im the “angry Black woman” who starts fights for no reason. Just because I’m a wonderful cook doesn’t mean I’m a morbidly obese “Mamie” whose sole purpose in life is to provide guidance and inspiration to the white folk. This particular little white baby boy will grow up expecting African American women to be forces of nature who listen to the still small voice of the spirit. He will know without a shadow of a doubt that Black women are painters, poets, scholars, entrepreneurs, CEOs, politicians, gentle yet firm mothers, faithful wives, and devout followers of the one true and living God. Instead of being surprised that a Black woman can speak standard American English, that she is not the promiscuous woman in the music video, or that she isn’t the inevitable welfare recipient- he will expect her to speak as eloquently as Frederick Douglas, be as chaste and virtuous as the woman in Proverbs 31:10-31, and have put her several college degrees to good use.
Porter won’t have to read about amazing Black women in books, He can just go over to Auntie La-La’s house.

"Familiar Spirits"

I have no idea how many spirits are surrounding me at any given time but I know what KIND of spirits they are. Every one of them lies to me on a continual never-ending basis. They are:


The Spirits of Doubt – these lying spirits are always telling me to doubt that what I hear from the Lord is coming from Him. They want me to believe that these wise and kind words of love are coming from my own flawed mortal mind. They want me to doubt that I will ever achieve the things that the Lord has promised me if im diligent. They tell me that I don’t have the strength to resist the temptations of the devil and his minions.

The Spirits of Envy- when astounding things happen to my friends, I am so excited as though it were actually happening to me. I get so happy for them and want to hear all about their amazing news. And then, after ive told all of my other friends about how great things are going for everyone but me, the spirit of envy swoops in and asks, “when will YOU have that? you’ve been promised…you should have it by now…unless… the little sins that you commit every day are keeping you from your blessings. Youll never reach the level of righteousness that will bring blessing to you. Youre too sinful. All youll ever be able to do is look at their blessing and WISH your life was like theirs."

The Spirits of Procrastination- Evil spirits who lie and contradict themselves when they tell me that the smaller sins don’t matter in the great scheme of things. They tell me that I have time and that the righteousness will come tomorrow. Its okay to talk bad about that girl- one last time. Its okay to lust after the guy on tv- one last time. Its okay to watch tv instead of going to bed- itll only be for 30 mins MAX. Its okay to eat some more pizza- this ONE slice cant hurt; you just have to moderate yourself; if you don’t eat it, itll go to waste and youll be throwing money into the trash. Its ok- one last time.

The Spirits of Despair- the spirits that are telling me that theres no use in getting up early, something ELSE will make me late anyway. Ill miss the bus; forget my keys and have to go back; I accidently scheduled the appointment on a completely different day. Something WILL go wrong. So why bother? Theres no point in looking for a job. Youll apply for various positions and no one will hire you bc you have sickle cell. And even if you don’t tell them that you have scd, they’ll fire you as soon as they find out. Even if you never get sick again. The economy is bad and youll never find a job. Youre over-qualified. Youre under-qualified. You have a cocky attitude. You don’t have enough confidence. It’s a college town and no one pays very much money anyway. Youll never be financially independent anyway, no one is- so why bother? Whats the point? Stay in bed. Watch tv. Watch other people’s lives. Theyre much more amusing anyway.



Im beginning to see how they work and how they think. Im beginning to remember to ask myself “who would want me to think/do such a thing?” what spirit would tell me that its okay to watch more tv? What spirit would tell me that I shouldn’t fast today because im not righteous enough? What spirit would tell me that its okay for me not to pray before bed if im too tired?

But the spirit has not altogether left me. He tells me the truth of all things and I can easily banish the familiar spirits---

“I know who you are. You don’t scare me. I am a daughter of the LIVING GOD. I was a princess bf I came to this earth and will become a queen before I leave it. Ultimately, my role as a goddess will blind your feeble eyes and you wont be able to stand my presence, let alone come close enough to tempt me. So, in the name of Jesus Christ, the Only Begotten Son of the Eternal Father, I command you to depart hence.”

Works every time.

Thank you Jesus.

Testify of my GOD to my GOD: He is always watching me and knows what i need

Thou hast knowledge of my thoughts and my fears. How else wouldst Thou know how to comfort me and speak peace to my soul without me having to say a word? All I do is pray unto Thee in silent supplication and Thou art immediately there. I went to Syrenna’s house after institute on Tuesday and I realized that I was in a quiet sort of mood. Most of the time that mood comes when im sick or about to be sick. Suddenly fear replaced the slightly confused peace- I didn’t want to go to the hospital. I couldn’t bear to smell the chemicals or feel the drugs in my system. I feared the nightmares and the chemically induced depression that was bound to come afterwards. Thankfully, the fear was not all-consuming. I remembered Thee and knew that I was worthy of Thy spirit and Thy comfort. So I went into Syrenna’s room, closed the door, and prayed for peace. I said that I was not afraid of the hospital experience and that I feared Thee much more than I fear the hospital and I know that Thou wilt provide a way for me (as always) to come out of the hospital with my faith, mind, and hope intact. The peace came immediately- like I had been shot with a tranquilizer gun. I took a deep breath and went back into the living room and talked with Syrenna for another hour. Renna is wonderful. Thank you, Jesus, for giving her to me.

I am African-American

Quick Thoughts from my ever-churning mind (these thoughts still need to be developed and researched so, please, give me your opinions- and any books that you think might enlighten me)

It seems as though there are so many ppl trying to wipe away the African connection
They no longer want to be thought of as African Americans. They will now be referred to as Black Americans
Distancing themselves from the history and culture that was once theirs. The time when they were more than Black. They were Ethiopian, they were Egyptian, they were Nigerian. The stigmas attached to being a dark-skinned person in America is all that they want us to know. They want us to forget that we were abolitionists before European slavery even came about. Forget the ancient freedoms we've fought for. Forget the empires we've built, the nations we've conquered, and the complex societies we've developed. Forget that there was once a time BEFORE we were slaves for light-skinned people. Make the next generation forget by leaving out the "African" in African-American.

I am called Black, not because Black is all that I am, Black is simply all that you care to see. I am also chocolate and caramel and cherry wood (depending on the season and my recent sun exposure). I am the daughter of a domestic goddess and a hard-working minister. I am a Stephens College graduate. I am a woman who melts into a pool of hormones when i see a man in a well-tailored suit. I know from whom i've come.... Royalty and slave alike.

My people built this nation. From the ground up. The monuments that you attribute to the genius minds of the greatest white architects were constructed by MY slave ancestors, brick by brick, and inspired by the monuments found in MY royal ancestors' homeland. The art, math, and science that is so widely used and admired by the western world originated in Africa (where MOST things originated); so i cannot understand how the western world can demonize and degrade its people while hijacking its culture and accomplishments.

But never mind all that. Ultimately, I want to be seen as a daughter of God. And judged on my accomplishments and character. Not on my skin color, or my ancestry, or my family name. I only point out the accomplishments of African people to show all who believe in white supremacy (both dark and light-skinned people) that such concepts are stupid and can only be sustained in the most unreasonable minds.

Remember the Sabbath Day, to keep it Holy.

Keeping the Sabbath Day holy has been a trial for me lately. I used to be good at this- I’d listen to gospel music in the morning as I got ready for church at 2:30pm. Sometimes, I’d go to another ward’s church service just so that my day was action-packed with gospel goodness. I would come home from church at 6, eat dinner, shower, and go into my room and watch past General Conference talks on TV until I fell asleep. And then…before ya know it… IT’S MONDAY and the SABBATH DAY was AMAZING!!



I think all these complacent Utah Mormons are affecting me. I stay up waaay too late on Saturday nights- talking on the phone, watching Hulu, out with friends, etc. and I don’t wake up until MAYBE 30 mins before I’m supposed to be leaving to go to church. After church, I eat and shower and then summarily proceed to watch SOMETHING secular. Apparently I can’t be alone with my own thoughts. I take so much joy in reading the scriptures on any other day. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to pick them up on Sundays. Id much rather eat while watching desperate housewives and then fall asleep at 5am after ive exhausted my list of meaningless activities. What’s wrong with me these days?



I’LL TELL YOU WHATS WRONG WITH ME! A supreme lack of faith! Satan tells me that its ok to watch tv on the Sabbath day for an hour while im eating. I mean, no one would possibly expect me to sit in silence while I eat dinner alone! That’s too depressing! And watching wrinkled old men talking about the Lord isn’t very appetizing! So DevilDude tells me that its ok to do it b/c no one REALLY expects me to keep the Sabbath Day holy. And then the second that I give in and watch TV while I’m eating or listening to secular music on the Lord’s Day, Satan retracts everything he said and contradicts himself by telling me that I’m sooooo horrible and I totally failed that test YET AGAIN! He tells me that he’ll leave me alone for the rest of the week (which I know he wont) because he knows that ill always be subject to the will of the Devil when it comes to the Sabbath.



But THE DEVIL IS A LIE!
(and according to previous drug-induced hallucinations, loves pink lace. Sooo gay).

I know that I can keep the Sabbath Day holy because ive done it before! When I heard that Hinckley had died, I had just finished watching a General Conference session and had told my mom about how great he was a few minutes before JR sent me that horrible txt (I mean, REALLY! Who the heck sends news of the death of a loved one via TEXT MESSEGE!?!?!?! That was the second time somebody did that crap to me!) SO I know that Hinckley is looking down on me hootin n hollerin tryna tell me that he has faith in me cause he saw me do it (picture old Hinckley making a pit stop at my mom’s house to check up on me before he reports for duty in Paradise- awesome).



Jesus tells me that all I have to do is “remember” and that will enlarge my ability to fully understand what Abba wants for me which will, in turn, strengthen my resolve against the adversary. The spirit is supposed to be the one who brings things to my remembrance. All I have to do to make sure i can constantly chitchat with the Spirit is stand in holy places and consciously invite him into my mind/heart/spirit/body. Often, I can very clearly hear what the Spirit is saying but SOMETHING always distracts me and makes my emotions go CRAZY! When this happens, I can barely think straight and I withdraw from the Lord into my own flawed reasoning (tinted, of course, with a whole lotta nagging from Satan). FRAK! ME!

So I guess I need to learn to recognize when the devil is tryna distract me and deal with my emotions in a more positive and productive way. How the heck am I posed to do that?! Dunno. But I’ve decided to practice keeping the Sabbath Day holy by keeping all the other days holy too- so that I don’t go through the early stages of withdrawal from Netflicks when I’m posed to be reading scriptures on a lovely Sunday afternoon. Besides, the scriptures say that Mon-Sat are days to work, not days to let the Devil creep into your life. All the days are posed to be holy anyway. The only diff is that on Sunday, you don’t go off to work. Let’s try that and see how it goes…..Starting……………………………………………………………NOW!!!!!

Tales of ZerLina and Laura-Denise (part 1)

Lina knows me prolly better than MOST including Annie, Merritt, Laura, and Genny COMBINED.
We were living in Roblee (technically she was in Wood Hall- but it was in the same building) at Stephens College. I was in her room more than my own. Mostly listening to John Mayer and talking about randomness. On one of the many occasions that I was in the hospital, she brought what I needed, gave me pertinent information and left. She is the only one who does that and that’s why I love her. I hate when ppl come to visit me in the hospital. So she keeps them away and tells them that I don’t want any visitors. Anyway, my visiting teachers took me home after I was discharged and I immediately sat down in front of the TV in the common room with my Apple-cinnamon Pop-Tarts and V-8 Splash. I got up to potty during a commercial break and when I got back I was told that Lina went upstairs to look for me- so I ran upstairs to meet her. But she wasn’t there so I went upstairs to her room. She wasn’t there either, so I made my way back downstairs to the common room. A few seconds later, I saw a blonde streak coming at me. She was screeching “YOURE BACK!!” She tells me a comical story of how she had come home and spotted the tell-tale signs of Laura-Denise Maxwell- poptarts and juice in front of the TV. When she didn’t see me in the common room, she ran upstairs to my bedroom and knocked on my door for a few minutes. At the same time that I was going up to see if she was at my bedroom door, she was running up to her room to see if I was at HER bedroom door. When I was running up to her room, she was taking the elevator back down to the common room. We both finally ended up in the common room grinning at each other.
She knows me sooo well. I love her. No homo.

The Road to Success isnt paved with gold. its not paved with blood, sweat, and tears. Its paved with 30 Rock and Battlestar Galactica.

Jesus told me to go to Utah: Done

Jesus told me to wait for a business opportunity in Utah: Done

Jesus told me to be diligent in my efforts with my fledgling company and get out every day and MAKE THAT MONEY LIKE AN ADULT: not so much.

It seems that, because I don’t have a traditional job that has me in the office working for someone else every day, I stay at home watching TV, eating Chinese food, and morphing into a general slob.

I wake up at noon30ish. Call a few friends and family members. Stretch for 20 minutes (I mean, REALLY, who the heck stretches for 20 frakin minutes?!) and then go eat some cereal- IF I decide to put clothes on. If I have yet to put on clothes, I sit there in total defiance of social convention refusing to put on a shirt and pants because I pay rent in this biAtch and I don’t have to wear clothes if I don’t want to! I open up the scriptures online in an effort to start the day off RIGHT with a little bit o Jesus. But something distracts me- like the realization that theres an episode of Vampire Diaries on sidereel.com that I have yet to watch. I figure I should prolly just get that outta the way before I start my day so that im not thinking about it and wishing I was watching tv while I read scriptures. So I quickly watch Vampire Diaries and as soon as the episode ends, I think about that episode of Burn Notice that I didn’t get to see last week and I open a new tab for hulu.com. I watch EVERYTHING in my queue and then proceed to Netflicks.com.

By this time I have ceased pretending I will be productive that day. Because it is now 6pm and I still don’t have clothes on. My stomach starts to growl at me and I reluctantly put on clothes so that my roommates don’t instantly turn into lesbians when they see my in all my caramel-coloured splendor. But why should I put on clothes just to make a bowl of cereal? NO!! I take the clothes BACK OFF and wrap myself in a big fluffy yellow towel and hope my roommates aren’t escorting people with penises into our apartment in the 3 mins it takes me to make my breakfast/lunch. When I get back into my room, I take the towel off and throw it to the floor with dramatic flourish because I DO WHAT I WANT! The giant bowl of cereal is delicioso and I contentedly fall asleep until 7:30ish when I get up again and see what the friends are up to. Theyre usually pretty boring so I end up going back home and watching more netflicks and playing sorority life on facebook. All the while, the online scriptures tab is still open because I feel too guilty to close it but I know I wont be reading my scriptures anytime soon.

Im not going to hell. I just might not be exalted.